Adam thinks… For twice

Written on the walls of his padded cell using blood and excrement, The Newb Review has transcribed the following from the troubled mind of Adam…

Rise Of The Resistance

People are lazy… Very lazy. But this laziness isn’t written into our genetic code or as a result of our upbringing; it is the consequence of our ever-growing intelligence and the utilization of that intellect to create more and more gadgets and gizmos. The sole purpose of these are to make our lives a whole lot lazier.

Take the for example, or in fact anything that Apple has ever ejaculated from the “enlightened” mind of Steve Jobs. If I were a little more wealthy I could, and probably would, buy everything with an Apple on it… I’d buy some pink ladies as well; that’s my favorite variety of apple. Then I would hire some ladies wearing matching pink uniforms to eat them while I observe from a balcony.

It would however be hard to keep my attention focused on these “pink ladies” because I would be more interested in the tweets on my and the download speed of the new Biffy Clyro album from iTunes.

Were these Steve Jobs' idea!? I'm not sure of anything anymore...

However, as a man I am skilled in the art of multitasking; a skill the opposite sex has yet to master, and with this skill I would be able to play my Xbox while maintaining Skype calls to the fellow members of resistance around the globe.

What I am trying to say is; society is constantly forming ways to keep us locked inside our houses. This will be the cradle of our destruction. For you see, while you sit at your chair sifting through the loose filaments of my mind, robotic engineers and scientists are constantly developing new technologies to advance our civilization, albeit with very little funding from the government.

I believe that eventually we will construct sentient , and if the all knowing teacher that is Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that our greatest creation, upon realizing their superiority, will turn on us.

That, fellow humans, is the dawn of our downfall. Only the strong, the brave and the good will survive. Staying in groups of four won’t work this time though folks; this isn’t going to be a walk in a zombie filled park.

Molotov’s and vials of puke will most likely prove to be an ineffective weapon against the adamantium infused bodies of our synthetic adversaries. They will most certainly be equipped with more than two arms, and more armaments than you as well. In fact, it’s safe to say we’re pretty much fertilizer.

A vision of the future. But I'm pretty sure it'll be robots instead of zombies.

But don’t worry! Carry on with your life as you normally would. Just keep in mind that the games industry is producing a mass of educational source material secretly designed to subconsciously train the gamer to survive the war between man and machine.

Case in point: . This is Survival 101 people because it contains essential man-versus-machine training modules. It contains everything you’ll need to know, ranging from how to hack a robot sentient to how to use the biotic powers that we will inevitably gain as a result of future scientific research.

Ever seen ? apart from being the greatest film ever made (FACT) it’s actually a premonition. It is going to happen people! I have seen it in my dreams and my dreams never lie.


Terminator 2 is the greatest movie of all time. Anyone who says otherwise will be the first to go.

I wouldn’t be surprised if my gospel compels you to go jump out of a window… the truth is harsh I know. But there are equally positive forces dedicated to making us more like J.C. Denton (25 gamer score if you know who J.C. Denton is) than ever before.

Soon we will be more metal than matter and we may even have a fighting chance, just make sure that when you go to the club this weekend you practice the robot dance. The droids made by Microsoft won’t be as smart or as deadly as the ones from Japan or Europe so you may even be able to trick them provided you can pop and or lock to a fairly decent standard.

But have you heard of a little arcade game called by ? This stylishly retro RTS’esque game is just another example of how games are doing their best to train you up for the inevitable set to occur in 2012. It serves as great way to teach your children some basic warfare strategy. Get your kids practicing in the playground and gather up your sprites, because we will be fighting a lot of viruses… Viruses in our computers… Viruses in our bodies… Even viruses in our freaking kitchen appliances.


Throw away those Nintendo Wii's and buy your kids Darwinia+. The future depends on it!

Oh, and you know those quick time events that seem to be freakin’ everywhere since Sega made ? Well, the little improvements QTEs make to your reaction time are an essential part of your five a day: caffeine, sugar, alcohol, QTE and weapons training. Fruit and Vegetables will be in short supply after the Cybernetic Organisms carpet bomb every farm in England, so get used to life without them.

I am telling you this so that when the robot revolution begins nobody can say I was wrong. Crazy I may be, but wrong I be not. I implore you to go out into the streets and tell as many as you can, “play more games! Or you might soon be subject to severe stab wounds, laser burns and anal probing”.

Tell them ItsActuallyAdam sent you… then tell them to plug their anus.

Kieran Roycroft (241 Posts)

Writing, editing, guesting and producing the podcast, there's not a single pie that Kieran hasn't got his finger in, maybe that's why he's a little bit tubby? And if he isn't busy with all of that, he still finds time to actually play some games! As a child of the NES/SNES era, Kieran holds a special place in his heart for many of it's classic titles, joining modern mammoths; Gears of War 2 and Vanquish in his list of best games EVER.

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