Election Special: A Letter To… The Voting Public

So, by now the polls are closed and the winner will have long been decided. But here at The Newb Review we ask what would have happened if WE had run for government? Well let’s take a peek into an alternate universe with The Newb Party’s manifesto…

Disillusioned with the usual choice of parties in Parliament? Then why not make your vote really count by voting for The Newb Party, a newly formed party with one core belief at heart; we can learn so much from video games! With all our policies taken from the best ideas from the world of video game entertainment, where could we possibly go wrong? Just take a look at some of these fantastic policies…

The Economy

With most of our countries banks in severe debt right now, the only way out is to get the rest of the country owing them as much money as possible. Taking a leaf out of Animal Crossing’s book, all houses in the country will be subjected to mandatory extension, which will triple the owner’s current debt.

On the day the debt is paid off, houses will be further extended, again renewing the debt at an even higher price. Not only does this solve the bank’s financial problems, but housing will no longer be an issue, with most houses predicted to be six storeys tall by 2020.

Education

Education is definitely a priority for The Newb Party, and we have taken our cues from one of the best. By instituting a level system similar to that found in the Fallout games, children will be able to level up by doing the most mundane of activities, such as collecting cola, finding new locations and even making bootleg alcohol out of bizarre fruit.

The best part is that regardless of the skills used to level up, the children can invest in whatever new skills they desire. A vote for The Newb Party ensures a future where children who spend hours hitting small animals with tire irons will be able to talk their way out of any situation.

Medical Research

Stem cell research is a hot topic and the ethics around the situation prevent any real progress in the area. Other parties might skirt about the issue, but The Newb Party? We say send ‘em all to the bottom of the Ocean! Just like in Bioshock, we plan to send the best and brightest scientists to a retro-futuristic city under the sea and let them meddle with things that should never have been meddled with to their hearts content.

Although there is the slight chance that the whole society will collapse, leading to wide spread murder, we feel it is worth the risk to give scientists the chance to unlock the secrets to being able to fire bees from your arms.

Defence

In a world where war is always changing (or never changing depending on who you ask) it is important to keep ahead of the game. That’s why under The Newb Party, the army will undergo a radical transformation named Project Metal Gear. All funding for vehicle research will be diverted into developing mechs, ranging from enormous water-firing super robots to semi-organic jumping tanks that moo for some reason.

We will also be using nano-machines to improve the current soldiers. By linking their minds together they will be ale to execute overly dramatic attacks that they will have almost no control over. Some may claim this is all unnecessary and that there is nothing wrong with the current soldiers; to them we say that mechs are clearly awesome. Unfortunately one of the side effects of these changes is that the recruitment process leaves many trainees with nothing to do for several months but sit and watch, but we are working on it.

Healthcare

One of the key issues facing government today is healthcare, and The Newb Party has just the solution; abolition of the NHS and all private medicine practitioners. Instead, a new policy will be introduced, referred to as the Crouch and Wait scheme.

Video games have revealed that staying out of harm’s way for a few moments and catching your breath is often more effective than seeing a physician. Many soldiers have reported that by ducking down out of site for a few moments, they can recover from anything, be it bullet wounds or grenade blasts. The next time you have a cold, why not just crouch and see what happens?

Taxation

This is the hardest part of any parties’ manifesto, but The Newb Party has by far the best taxation policy. Essentially, all possessions are taken once a year, including money, and laid out in a field. It is then the job of the individual to roll a sticky ball over all of their worldly goods and try and gather as much as possible within a three minute time limit. At the end, anything not collected becomes property of the government, and anything on the ball returns to the original owner.

The Katamari scheme for taxation provides a much fairer way to decide how much of your property the government owns, there’s also the added benefit of life being a lot more exciting.

A vote for The Newb Party is a vote that will help build a better tomorrow. Would you kindly cross the ballet paper next to The Newb Review logo and drop it in the ballet box…

Tags: animal crossing, Bioshock, fallout, katamari damacy, Metal Gear Solid 4, Modern Warfare

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