Headlines of 2010
Lavalampbamboo takes a look forward in time and has a crack at predicting the big headlines of this year.
DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance to actual headlines are entirely coincidental, but would also be entirely awesome.
Half Life 2: Episode 3 is finally released in July, and the reason for the delay is made clear: the game is exactly as long as the production time, with around 23,880 hours worth of gameplay. Notable sequences include constructing a supercollider using the gravity gun and waiting for an INCREDIBLY long lift. Critics are upset with the conclusion of the game… it turns out Gordon had dreamt the whole thing on the train ride into Black Mesa.
3D Realms reveals their 13 year long joke; DNF is released and is actually fantastic. Almost all games critics award it Game of the Year, even though it’s released in March. They state that there really isn’t any point in any more computer games being made. At this point, most other games studios are merged into 3D Realms.
Coming to a household near you!
Nintendo announces their latest add-on for the Wii, the WiiBux. The peripheral attaches to the side of the Wii Remote and allows consumers to swipe their credit card. This means they can now just give their money directly to Nintendo, thereby removing the need to go out and buy poor quality games. Satoru Iwata calls it “a new level of interface between customer and us”, whereas Reggie Fils-Aime simply got on a plane for Hawaii.
Project Natal is released in August, and receives fair to good reviews. The real problems arise when the red ring of death makes a return. However, it’s not in the tech itself, it’s in the people. It turns out an unstable element in the camera causes people’s eyes to change colour and overheat. Microsoft lose billions due to the cost of having to send packing crates to have the people affected fixed (or replaced with a similar model).
At E3 2010, lots of shock announcements are made, but the most shocking is Left 4 Dead 3… which is then released a month later. Left 4 Dead 4 is then announced shortly after… and released the following day. The sequel, surprising titled “Five Alive”, is released before even being announced. Finally, Left 4 Dead 6 is quantum released, because it hasn’t even been developed yet.
Followed by Seventh Heaven perhaps?
As opposed to making a zombie WW2 game (which would make sense) Treyarch make YET ANOTHER straightforward Second World War first person shooter, titled Call of Duty: The War Was Really Bad. As expected, it features a city level, a beach level, a parachuting level, a bit where you get captured by the Nazis and have to sneak away, and, surprisingly, a historically inaccurate bit where you fight Cyborg Hitler.
Zombies? Of course not?
Toward the end of the year, Activision announces a new instalment into its “Hero” franchise, the long awaited “X Factor Hero”. The game only comes with a microphone, and actually rewards the player in earlier rounds for singing like an idiot, just to look “hilarious” on television. In later rounds, the choice of songs is taken away, with the player being forced to perform songs they really don’t like. Rumours of a rival “Rage Against The Machine: Rock Band” are unconfirmed.
So funny!
Funny? Are you implying that this is a work of fiction?
You know I travel through time for you people… =D
I’m going to buy all 600 left 4 dead games. And a wii credit card swiper? WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!