1. Grand Theft Auto IV
Here at The Newb Review we like to think that games journalism isn’t all about picking up popular games and telling you how great they are. Tom01255 has adopted this idiom as his own personal mantra as he delves into games that everyone seems to love, but he really doesn’t… Join us as he talks us through the critically acclaimed Grand Theft Auto IV.
In the interest of fairness, I should briefly mention the wealth of things that GTA IV got right… Now that’s been dealt with, lets get on with the shitstorm of monotony and irritation that makes up the majority of gameplay in this hugely over-hyped, disappointment of a game.
At the beginning of the game, you are thrown into the life of a walking stereotype in the form of one Niko Bellic; he’s an Eastern European war vet, so he must be predisposed to crime right? Okay, I’ll concede the fact that when you play a game within the GTA series, you accept that the protagonist is going to be a criminal; my main gripe comes with the sheer number of times he utters something that, at best, can be described as grating. At worst; his pseudo-american, downright racist version of an Eastern European dialect makes me want to reach into the game and slap the back of his annoying, military-crew-cut head.
GTA IVs protagonist and his elongated head
The moment you jump into a car, and veer off at the first corner into a lamp-post, you begin to think that the driving mechanic of the game is broken. Some hours later, you realise it very definitely is. Whilst no-one can argue that the previous incarnations of GTA could ever be considered driving simulations, the driving served a purpose in that it never got in the way of the fun of the game: the cars generally handled the same, with sports cars accelerating marginally faster than people carriers and vans. With GTA4 however, the developers seem to have forgotten that since their invention, cars have been blessed with so-called ‘steering wheels’ that allow cars to ‘turn’ rather than slamming into the house on the corner. The driving becomes such a frustration that you’d rather hot-foot it around each mission; if only Niko could keep his stupid mouth shut.
Niko isn’t the only character to provide the game with bad voice acting. Almost every other character you meet throughout what I loosely refer to as ‘the story’; is utterly uncharismatic and vapid. Take for example Niko’s cousin Roman; by the third or fourth time you hear him whine about wanting to go bowling, play darts or any of the other badly implemented side activities, you’ll want him dead over any one of the villains you meet. Unfortunately, I couldn’t kill the fat waster without failing missions.
You'll want to shoot Roman in the gut the moment he opens his fat mouth
Side activities such as bowling, darts and pool are available at any time either on your own, or you can take one of your friends or girlfriends simply by calling them from your mobile phone. These didn’t work particularly well in GTA: San Andreas… and they’re even worse now.
Let’s take them one at a time shall we? Bowling can only be described as an extremely bad approximation of Wii Sports: taking away the charm of Nintendo and replacing it with Niko and his stupid horse face. Furthermore, what should be a short and snappy distraction from the main story, is so slow, you’ll feel as if you’re bowling with an elderly relative. Darts and pool have been done much better elsewhere by almost any game that features them.
You can pick up a dreamcast and the original Shenmue for a decent representation of darts, and all for around the same price as this game. I’ve also played far more enjoyable digital pool games on my crappy mobile phone that notably has several broken buttons and still plays better than pool in GTA IV.
Bowling in Liberty City - utterly without charm
Graphically, the developers have made some bold choices within the game. They really manage to implement an air of familiarity with each new area you visit. The old ways of giving individual islands in the game a distinct architectural style á la San Andreas and Vice City are gone, instead opting to make every building look pretty much the same. This not only adds to the tedium of the story, but makes it incredibly easy to lose your bearings.
I enjoyed the feeling that you were really beginning to learn the city in the previous games: developing short cuts and routes that made the missions more involving. By the end of Vice City, for example, you really felt as if the city was alive, and you were its chief resident. GTA IV, on the other hand, had me firing rockets at the curiously indestructible grey blocks that made up the greater Algonquin area. Which building you ask? I couldn’t tell you – it was one of the grey ones that looked like everything else.
Bridges are just about the only structures that look different from everything else
And so we come to the joyous main story. I can’t claim to have played through it all, as about halfway through I turned my attention to GTA: Vice City to remind myself what a good GTA game is like. My research for this article however, confirmed my fears about the ending of the insipid snore-fest I had experienced thus far.
You begin the game searching for the man that betrayed your unit in Eastern Europe. Guess what? You find him. That really is about it. As far as the twists go, if you meet someone that you think will betray you, they probably will at some point, and you’ll probably have the opportunity to get revenge later on. So, eminently unsurprising, somewhat churlish and ultimately boring… What more can I say.
Grand Theft Auto IV is available from all good retailers. Rush out and buy it if you believe the hype…
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I love it. Great stuff. I have played two GTA’s. The first, top-down one and Vice City (which I loved) on the PS2. I thought about this, but honestly not too bothered about it. Glad to see I’m not the only one who doesn’t gush over the series.
Here here! Cannot believe I went to a midnight launch for this. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time but I was so excited for the game and once playing it, the illusion quickly wore off.
The game itself is an achievement that you can make a game that is so vast. But that’s just it…it’s a game…and there has to be a reason to play a game. Unfortunately for GTA4 it didn’t have one, well for me atleast. Superb article
Herics!
Heritics even!
I have a new made-up word for the day now! Herics. Cheers mate
Couldn’t agree more. Nice work, well written.
Lol, that is the dumbest review I’ve ever seen. Give me a break, what do you expect? I’m pretty sure you’re wrong seeing as how it got GOTY and you just sound like a moron. Only good point was the driving is pretty annoying, but the rest of the game is quite enjoyable and well worth playing!
Opinions can’t be wrong. Seriously.
“The driving is pretty annoying”, and “quite enjoyable” – really sounds like it deserved the game of the year award then… To release a Game of the Year addition all you need is for one major publication to give it that award. Look at the other games out at the same time: Fallout 3, Super Mario Galaxy, Call of Duty 4, Fable II… There’s no way GTA should have won any awards!
Thanks for the comment/insult but seriously, doesn’t the fact that it won Game of the Year kind of fulfil the ‘overrated’ criteria? Have you tried playing any other computer games? I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised if you think GTA is well worth playing…
Who’d of thought it. Rockstar games managed to make running around a city tearing shit up completely and utterly boring……….
Certainly looks like this one has polarised opinions. Glad I didn’t post my article on what games would Jesus and Mohammed play!
I haven’t played it bcus I didn’t have a 360 wen it came out and it didn’t really interest me enough wen I did get one. Gta on the DS on the other hand was great
I agree with theboyoliver, there is no way GTA should have got a game of the year award. For example, I spent hours just watching my friend play Fallout 3 and that was better than playing GTA, I didn’t lose interest once. xxx
The reason it got game of the year is because game of the year edition titles are dependent on sales, just like the playstation platinum series. Once a game has sold a certain amount it’s eligible for a game of the year edition (it’s essentially the same has the xbox classics just with all the DLC bundled with it) and on that basis GTA 4 was obviously gonna get a GOTY edition has it was always gonna sell trillions….it’s just a shame that it’s not very good. Then again….I also hate Fallout 3.
I smell a massively overrated 2 coming on….
@Crofterz GOTY is based on awards. If a major publication awards a game GOTY then the publishers are entitled to call it that. Platinum editions are based on sales. Publishers seem to be edging for GOTY editions over Platinum if they can, probably because the Platinum editions traditionally come with a hefty price cut, whereas GOTY they simply slap some of the DLC on it and charge full whack.
This is a game that hasn’t aged very well at all, mainly down to some shonky controls. The areas in which the game really stands head and shoulders above any other game, in my oppinion, is the story, the characterisation, and the way the Liberty City feels like a living breathing city, and the people in it feel like real people. Although maintaining relationships with your friends was a pain in the arse, just like real life!
@tom01255 Serious? I always thought it was again based on sales? Well if that’s the case it’s just as tacky as the classics and platinum stuff because one persons GOTY is bound to be different to someone else’s. TBH most gaming awards are pretty bloody pointless and tedious.
@Crofterz – that is, unless someone issues a GOTY edition based on a Newbreview.com award lol.
@kamiza – LMAO! Of course but then, they would’ve truly deserved it. I’m not the type of person to throw around praise willy nilly. But of course a NewbReview award would be the most prestigious award in gaming.